"It's Nice to be Nice"

(I took a week's breather... Nice to be back)

"How about you, Mr. Zedar... Can you render an educated guess, as to why this is true?" asked my appropriately bearded and tweedy professor (complete with suede patches at the elbows). It was 1977... Applied Psychology class in the Business School at Georgia Tech. We in the Master's program liked it when they called Tech "The MIT of the South." Over coffee in the student lounge, we'd say it was really the other way around. MIT, said we, was "The Georgia Tech of the North." Anyway, the professor, it seems, had been methodically and purposely creating an interesting dynamic in our class. When at his left, he'd take on a serious demeanor. He'd frown, avoid eye contact, and speak in a monotone. Then, when addressing those of us on his right, he'd walk over with a smile, look us in the eye, and "play" his voice like a Stradivarius. In other words, he played all of us like a violin. The question he had asked was, "Why do half of you, when you discuss things outside of class, think I'm a good guy... and half of you think I'm not?" My answer guessed at differing interests within the class. My answer was wrong.

"The answer is that half of you think I'm "nice" and half of you perceive me to be "grumpy."" Then he explained his lab experiment with us. "It's all a matter of communication," said the Prof, "whether it's purposeful, or not." "But if you learn today's lesson, it could mean the difference between success and failure for you, both in business and in life." Man, that was a mouthful. A synopsis of his lesson was this: When communicating, only 7% of the true meaning comes from the "words" we choose. Another 30% comes from our "tonality"... the "sound" of our voice, including accents, volume, and inflection. The mind-blower? An astounding 63% of what we "say"... is communicated through our "body language." Think about it... If you're trying to tell someone something and they say, "Go ahead, I'm listening," but their eyes are rolled back in their head, their lips are pursed, and they're tapping their pencil... What is really being communicated, their very precise words, or their obstinate body language? I'm sorry, but the 63% beats the 7%, hands down.

How about those three little words that effect all of us throughout our lives? Just for fun here, how many ways can you say, "I LOVE YOU?" Try it with your arms folded tightly and with a scowl. Then try it three different ways, putting the accent first on "I," then on "LOVE," then on "YOU." When you try those three, always say it as a question. Or isn't it fun, when you say, "I love you" and you get "Me, too" back? How watered down is "Luv ya," compared to the real thing? You get my drift.

The next thing my professor impressed upon us is that our communication "style" is always a personal choice. If we smile or prefer a sour look? Our choice. Eye contact or eyes down and away? Our choice. Always loud and aggressive, as opposed to soft-spoken and gentle? Again, our choice. I'll go on record here to say that millions of $ollars have been made... or lost... based upon whether receptionists have been "nice" or not. If you have a receptionist at your business, do everything you can to train them on these concepts. You know what I'm talking about. Ever walk into an establishment and been "greeted" by someone squinting over the top of their glasses at you, as though you were not a potential "customer," but an "irritating disruption?" Then when she says, "Yes, can I help you?" it feels more like, "God, I'm busy and I wish you'd just go away." The same thing applies to your answering machine message. Does it communicate a "warm welcome," or a "cold rebuff?" Once more, with feeling... It's a choice.

It's true that attitudes and communication styles reflect our choices. But... and it's a BIG BUT (no pun intended), our culture is steering us in the wrong direction. The challenge for younger people is that they weren't around when things were "kinder and gentler." If you never saw TV in the 1950's or early 60's, you don't remember how "nice" it was. If there is a central theme that runs through society today, as presented and reflected on TV... it's that we have become a "nation of nasty and a culture of crass." The shows may be "funny," but the pervasive brand of humor is that of "the put-down." Popular shows like "America's Next Top Model," or "The Bachelor," "The Jerry Springer Show," or the "Survivor" type genres... all rely on trickery, deception, sarcasm, revenge, violence, and general mean-spiritedness as the communication style. And the music? I sure don't want to sound like "grandpa" here, yet current lyrics and videos reflect a different mindset, than did those of The Beachboys or The Supremes.

Bottom line? It's nice to be nice. Just take some reflective time and look inside yourself. Where are you on this? You can change. On purpose. Go ahead, your friends will wonder what happened. And you? You'll feel soooo much better. Oh, and before I forget, Have a "nice" day:-)